Resolving Conflicts

Following is an excerpt from a term paper I wrote while obtaining my Master’s Degree and Mediation Certificate. I originally thought that I would rewrite this in a more conversational tone; however, I think it’s better like this due to its references to some very good books on the subject matter.  On last week, we looked at effective communication.  This week we are looking at conflict resolution.

Resolving Conflicts

Developing good communication skills is tantamount to resolving conflicts. Good communication skills aid in generating options, separating people from problems, and in reaching wise, efficient, and amicable resolutions. In resolving conflicts we must remember as Hardin suggests, that “The problem is not really the problem; how you handle it is.” He suggests that how we handle our conflicts and problems is where we need to focus our attention. (Hardin, 1992:98).  Thus, Hardin suggests employing a method of principled bargaining. He further clarifies by stating, “The inability to resolve conflict comes from the failure to focus on the solution rather than the distress caused by the problem itself.” (Hardin, 1992:98). To resolve conflict he suggests that we recognize our usual methods of dealing with conflict and then take measures that seek to resolve conflict. He believes that most of us handle conflict in one of four ways:

1. Conquest: Hang in there until I win. I must win!

2. Surrender: Unless I give in, this conflict will go on forever. Defeat at least brings peace!

3. Withdrawal: Pull back for now. This is not over yet, but if I let the dust settle, I can see better how to win. Step back, regroup, then go for the throat!

4. Resolution: Find a way that I can live with you, I can trust and respect you, and you can trust and respect me.” (Hardin, 1992:99).

In resolving conflict, he believes that parties should follow #4, resolution. He believes that parties should step back from their problems, define them, explore options for how to resolve them, and then decide upon a solution. (Hardin, 1992:102). He offers the following techniques for resolving conflict:

Techniques for Resolving Conflict

1. Understand that any two individuals will from time to time come into conflict.

2. Know that anger is a signal something is wrong.

3. Set aside time to deal with the conflict. When emotions are out of control, take time to step back, calm down, think, and then come back together.

4. Define the problem or conflict.

5. Identify each person’s understanding of the problem.

6. Discover areas of agreement and disagreement.

7. Stay on the subject which represents the immediate conflict.

8. Explore options of resolution.

9. Focus on the solution, not the problem.

10. Value the other person.

11. Seek common goals.

12. Allow for the needs of each partner to be met. …Identify the needs each of you has which are not being met in the conflict.

13. Close the issue.” (Hardin, 1992:102-103).

Conflict resolution is not an easy undertaking. It requires time, effort, and skill. (Nelson, 1998:132-133). When the above-listed suggestions are followed resolution is possible and likely…

“Resolution means that both persons come to a position where they feel that their feelings and ideas have been expressed, understood, and valued, and then a decision is made that accommodates as best as possible the feelings and ideas of both persons.  There are no winners or losers. Rather, there is the advancement of the relationship to a new level of understanding and agreement…”  (Nelson, 1998:139).

 Want to use this article in your ezine, blog, or website?  You have my permission as long as you include this complete blurb with it:  Min. Patricia D. Samuels, MA is the founder of Patricia Samuels Ministries, Inc. and the International Association of Proverbs 31 Women.  Visit her websites today and be blessed by something you view, read, or hear:  http://www.patriciasamuels.org and http://www.iap31w.com.

Effective Communication

 Following is an excerpt from a term paper I wrote while obtaining my Master’s Degree and Mediation Certificate. I originally thought that I would rewrite this in a more conversational tone; however, I think it’s better like this due to its references to some very good books on the subject matter.

 The essence of effective communication is having each involved party understand the other party’s point of view. Effective communication does not require one to agree with the point of view, only to hear it. With this in mind, efforts to improve communication skills should focus upon improving listening skills. One’s goal should be to become an attentive listener.

 “Attentive listening is giving your full attention to someone. You not only listen to what is being said, but are aware of how it is said–the person’s tone of voice and body. You are listening to the total message the other person is sending. You value what the other person is saying. …You listen to the whole message instead of try to plan what you are going to say when it is your turn to speak. Attentive listening is one of the most difficult, yet necessary, elements of the communication process.”

(Hardin, Getting Ready For Marriage Workbook, 1992:29).

Unfortunately, most people do not listen attentively, but either passively or selectively instead. “A passive listener may hear the words being spoken but not tune in to the…message…[t]here is little value placed upon what is being said or for the person who is speaking.” Similarly, in selective listening, “[w]e hear only what we want to hear and filter out the rest.” (Hardin, 1992:29-30). In an effort to become a more attentive listener, one can utilize the tips offered by author, Tommy Nelson:

1. Listen with patience.

2. Listen with your face. Give your full

attention.

3. Listen until [the other] has finished speaking.

4. Listen without rude body language.” (Nelson,

The Book of Romance, 1998:142-144).

Author Gerry Spence agrees and also encourages a form of listening, which hears the party’s feelings behind their words. For example, he writes with regard to parties’ anger, “…there is usually a need to be heard behind the racket, usually pain behind the rage.” (Spence, How to Argue and Win Everytime, 1995:68). He further instructs to, “Hear anger, not as anger, but as pain…[and] [f]ollow the pain.” (Spence, 1995:233). He explains, “Anger… comes from hurt, from the pain of fear, from the pain of disappointment, from the pain of guilt or jealousy or rejection or frustration, or betrayal or loneliness or from the injury of attack.” (Spence, 1995:233-234). Spence suggests listening with a very attentive ear thereby, hearing not only the words, but also the impetus behind them. He writes, “The sounds always carry the argument better than the words. The sounds betray the urgency, the sense of caring, the anger, the ring of truth, the power…” (Spence, 1995:71).

To improve listening skills one must also pay attention to nonverbal communication, also known as body language.  Hardin writes,

“The words you use, the way you say them, and your body language add up to the total message you send someone. Communication experts have shown that only seven percent of our message is sent from the words we say. Thirty-five percent of our message comes from our tone of voice, and the remaining fifty-eight percent of our message is sent through our body — eye contact, facial expressions, the shrug of our shoulders.” (Hardin, 1992:27).

Hardin suggests giving attention to nonverbal communication because he believes that if a party is confused as to what is being said, they will have a tendency to hear the nonverbal messages above all other messages. (Hardin, 1992:27). He also believes that paying attention to nonverbal body messages will give insight into how the other party is feeling, or in other words, the other party’s underlying interests. (Hardin, 1992:29). Spence interestingly defines body language. He writes, “Body language is words heard with the eyes. Bodies reflect fear, boredom, interest, repulsion, openness, attraction, caring, hatred.” (Spence, 1995:72). Additionally, to improve listening skills one should reiterate what one believes he has heard and then ask if he has heard correctly. (Editors of Heart & Soul Magazine, “Heart & Soul’s Guide to Love and Relationships,” 1994:33). Thus, in an effort to improve communication, one must attentively listen for the underlying interests by listening to hear what is being said and then clarify what one believes he has heard.

Want to use this article in your ezine, blog, or website?  You have my permission as long as you include this complete blurb with it:  Min. Patricia D. Samuels, MA is the founder of Patricia Samuels Ministries, Inc. and the International Association of Proverbs 31 Women.  Visit her websites today and be blessed by something you view, read, or hear:  http://www.patriciasamuels.org and http://www.iap31w.com.

Diary of a Tired Black Man

After the “A Male’s Perspective” Panel Discussion I attended and wrote about in last week’s Ezine, I spoke with a male cousin.  We both agreed how these types of activities are crucial to relationship building.  In our conversation, he told me about a video he had been watching that day, entitled, “Diary of a Tired Black Man*.”  It sounded interesting, so I told him I’d like to see it sometime.  He told me he’d send it to me; however, it didn’t occur to me that he’d get right on it.  I thought that sometime, sooner or later, I’d see the video.  In fact, I didn’t think any more about it after our conversation.  Well, a week later, it was in my mailbox.  So, I thought, “You must really need to watch this.”  I definitely wasn’t expecting to see the video anytime soon, so its surprise arrival inspired me to watch it immediately.

“Diary of a Tired Black Man” is a video documentary.  It shows several vignettes illustrating the complex relationships between African American men and women.  Following each vignette, there are street interviews in several cities, allowing those interviewed to give their opinion on what they just viewed.  By virtue of its title and subtitle (“Now it’s Black Men’s Turn to Exhale”),  it is an answer to Tyler Perry’s, “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” and Terry McMillan’s book-turned-movie, “Waiting to Exhale.”  Its being an answer to these movies, is most likely the reason it slants toward portraying the woman as “all-evil” and the man as “all-good.”  It was indeed the “Black Men’s Turn to… [Vent].”  I had to remind myself of the title and subtitle throughout the film, because on several occasions I wanted the film to interject the female point of view.  In some instances, I wanted to know for myself “WHY is she (the “Tired Black Man’s wife”) acting like that?”  In other instances, I wanted to tell him why she was acting the way she acted!

I would really like for someone to do a film of this nature which shows parallel vignettes.  One vignette would show the male perspective and the other would show the female perspective of the same situation.  We definitely need to open up the lines of communication between men and women and truly make an effort to understand one another.  I wrote last week about becoming bilingual.  Men and women are not the same.  We’ve always spoken different languages and we always will.  We are necessarily different from one another, because we’re better together!  When we bring our best attributes to the table together, we’re an unstoppable force.  Unfortunately, we often only bring our negative characteristics forward and meet with grave disappointment, which leads to heartbreak and fractured families. 

Incidentally, it’s important for the man to become bilingual, also.  This was a blaring revelation to me as I watched the film and listened to the “man on the street” interviews.  Most of them were of the mindset that, “Women just have psychological problems.”  However, Scripture mandates that a man dwell with a woman according to knowledge.  (I Peter 3:7)  So, it is incumbent upon men also to educate themselves about the woman’s point of view, especially, their woman’s point of view, so that there may be peace in the home.

We all have a lot of work to do.  I think once we turn our attention from waging a battle of the sexes to understanding the opposite sex, we will meet with victory in short order.

(*This film has R-rated language.)

Want to use this article in your ezine, blog, or website?  You have my permission as long as you include this complete blurb with it:  Min. Patricia D. Samuels, MA is the founder of Patricia Samuels Ministries, Inc. and the International Association of Proverbs 31 Women.  Visit her websites today and be blessed by something you view, read, or hear:  http://www.patriciasamuels.org and http://www.iap31w.com.

June Expert Teleseminar: Krista Dunk

Krista Dunk

“You Are Gifted and It’s Time to Shine.”

IAP31W Expert: Krista Dunk
Date and time: June 24th at 12pm CST
Members-only teleseminar (you will be emailed the conference call number to connect)

Want to join us for this teleseminar? Become a member today!

Learn more about God’s purposes in the world today, and how you fit in to them.

• Understand and avoid the biggest mistake people make when trying to discover their purpose and gifts. (And, the number 2 runner up)
• Why now is the time to share your coolness. It’s not okay to hide it anymore!
• Learn practical and spiritual things you can do today to discover your God-given gifts.
• Become able to dream again through your faith in God and His plans for you.

Bio:
Krista Dunk is co-founder of the Christian business women’s organization called Koinonia Business Women, “Where Faith, Business & Women Connect, Collaborate & Grow.” Krista is passionate about encouraging others to reach their God-given personal potential, and find their unique gifts and life’s purpose. She also created NWweddingplace.com, a Pacific Northwest wedding resources website, as well as several other website projects. Helping others to turn their dreams into businesses that have a positive impact on the world has always been exciting for her!

A teacher at heart, Krista enjoys writing and speaking on topics such as bringing faith to the marketplace, business ownership, finding your God-given purpose, online business marketing, personal growth, her own story of overcoming self-confidence struggles, her personal spiritual journey, and creative expression in worship.

Besides her entrepreneurial adventures, Krista is also a wife, mother of two, trained sign language interpreter, worship team member, and small group leader with her husband at their local church. From time to time, you may also find her working in her robe, dressing Barbies, cleaning up toys, or helping with homework.

We also learned about how Krista used her gift of sign language to converse on a national stage with Academy Award-winning actress, Marlee Matlin.

Visit her website: http://www.kristadunk.com/

A Male’s Perspective…

I attended a panel discussion this past weekend entitled, “A Male’s Perspective.”  It was an event hosted by “Women of Diversity,” a group of women seeking to make a difference in the community.

The panel consisted of 10 men of various backgrounds.  They were married and single, Caucasian and African American, and ranged from Rock musicians to church pastors.  The one thing that they all had in common was their desire to help women better understand men.  Their sincere desire to help women and not bash them or use the event as an opportunity to “run game” on women, really touched me.

Women were given the opportunity to ask men their opinions on everything imaginable and there were some bold women present who did just that!  Questions ranged from why a man won’t call after a date to what are men’s ideas and desires as it relates to sex.  Fortunately, the men did not hold back in their responses and the women walked away with a better understanding of how men think.  Incidentally, the answers to the gamut of questions all boiled down to the same thing:  A woman must know her worth and command respect.  I was really impressed with men telling women, “Make us treat you well.”  I think we Proverbs 31 Women can handle that!  :) 

Personally, I think dialoging in this manner has to be an ongoing thing.  In many professions, one must earn continuing education hours to remain licensed and/or employed.  In order to maintain our relationships, I believe we, too, must engage in continuing education.  Women and men speak different languages.  We always have and we always will.  So, we have to become bilingual and then continue practicing our language skills, lest we lose the peace and harmony we’ve gained in our relationships.  I believe that there can be “win-win” in relationships and not strife, hatred and retaliation. 

The men on the panel also believe that there can be win-win in relationships and each left us with their one key piece of advice to this end:

1.  Trust.

2.  Don’t generalize men and don’t internalize everything that happens.

3.  Let Jesus fill the void in your life.

4.  Keep learning your man.

5.  Don’t give up easily and keep God first.

6.  Forgive and don’t bring up what happened with past relationships.

7.  Connect.  Become each other’s partner.

8.  Take time to understand your man.

9.  Keep your man in awe of you.

10.  Follow Christ’s example.

I pray that you will continue your education of men and reap the benefits of peace and harmony in your relationships!

Want to use this article in your ezine, blog, or website?  You have my permission as long as you include this complete blurb with it:  Min. Patricia D. Samuels, MA is the founder of Patricia Samuels Ministries, Inc. and the International Association of Proverbs 31 Women.  Visit her websites today and be blessed by something you view, read, or hear:  http://www.patriciasamuels.org and http://www.iap31w.com.